Greegs & Ladders Read online

  CHAPTER 27

  A Strange Observation Regarding Human Sexuality

  I observed something unique happen over the course of the next 140 HL’s. The human male became more and more effeminate. Their penises shrank and they started staying home and taking care of the kids and cleaning, while the women went out to work. While the men’s penises shrank, the women’s clitorises began to grow and grow and grow. The men waxed their legs and got makeovers to look hot and attract the women with the highest paying jobs. The women, burdened with their new work load, stopped caring about their appearance and they began to grow hair all over and dress much more casually. Men began to spend much more time sucking on the ever growing clitorises and much less time sticking their penises inside women’s vaginas. The women stopped delivering babies out of their vaginas and their vaginas began to close up.

  It wasn’t long before the women’s clitorises had grown the size of men’s penises, and their labia’s began morphing into testicles. Men, of course, had the opposite occur, and the two sexes effectively switched places completely. Physiologically. Mentally. Socially. Those who were men, now looked like and behaved like those who were women. Relations between the two didn’t change at all. They might as well have not switched places. But they did, and I found it interesting. This crossover of sexuality would occur on multiple occasions during my time on Earth. Later research I conducted would reveal this phenomenon happened several times throughout human history and often explained the downfall of great civilizations. Those Roman Bath Houses, Greek Philosophers, Victorian man blouses and San Francisco began to make a lot more sense.

  CHAPTER 28

  An Inconvenient Planet Appears, and the GGFLTD Takes Over

  One day a planet appeared in the night sky. This planet was not one of the planets that humans were used to seeing, but it was quite clearly very close to them. Closer than 7 of the other planets in their solar system. The reaction was typical. People either claimed it had always been there and that anyone who didn’t know that was an idiot, or that it wasn’t there at all, and anyone who claimed it was there was seeing things… and an idiot. It should be noted that around the same time this happened, I received an update from Dr. Rip T. Brash The Third and Wilx. Not in person of course. When I went outside to pick up the newspaper with the headline “New Planet: Has it always been there or is it not there at all?” I discovered another note accompanied by a needle and a vial of glowing liquid. The note read:

  Finding out lots of interesting things

  Hope you’re having a good time as well.

  Been watching your stand-up, pretty funny.

  Not as good as Bill Hicks or George Carlin...

  but alright. Inject this into your eyeball, or

  you will die. Longevity formula and other

  preventative measures. Don’t give to any

  humans, will make them immortal.

  Chat soon.

  I instinctively wanted to not inject the longevity formula into my eyeball, not because I didn’t want to inject myself in the eyeball… After 648 HL’s I very much wanted to do that. No, I just didn’t want to give Rip the satisfaction of popping by with a note after abandoning me on this miserable rock and me actually following his instructions. But, I knew enough about Rip, to know that I had to do it, or I would die. And I didn’t want to die. Inject myself in the eyeball I did. But I only gave myself half of the formula. The other half I gave to a fellow named Herb. In all the time I’d been on Earth, he was the only decent human being I’d met. He was a fine fellow that Herb, and I couldn’t think of a better man to pass countless HL's with. Here’s how cool of a guy Herb was. I went over to his house where he was gardening.

  “Hey Herb, I’m going to stick this needle in your eye and make you immortal, okay?”

  “Sure, whatever,” said Herb, not even looking up from his rake.

  That was Herb for you, nothing phased the guy. Took everything in stride.

  A few HL’s later, and it was considered an irrefutable fact by many that not only was the new planet not new, but it had been there since the beginning of time, as could be proven by ancient textbooks that spoke of nine planets in the solar system. This split people into two ideological camps, those who knew for a fact it had always been there and those certain (with the aiding of heaps of “scientific explanations”) that the new planet was a mass hallucination. As was always the case when people divided themselves into two ideological camps... violent wars broke out for centuries between the Believers of the Nine Planet Theory (BNPT) and The Mass Hallucinationists (TMHs).

  One thing that both the BNPT and TMHs agreed on, was that the useless rock at the end of the line was not a real planet, and never had been. Pluto was never spoken of again by any human being. It was erased from memory and history. If it had to be spoken of it was in dismissive euphemisms like “That small, puny, stupid rock,” or “The little meteor with no friends, and an ugly, cold, barren surface that no one would ever want to visit even if it was a planet.”

  This feud of belief systems, like all feuds of belief systems, was both embraced and fuelled by the ones who really controlled things on Earth... the money lenders and the dealers of arms and weaponry. At this current juncture in history, both of these tasks were performed exclusively by the recently formed Global Group of Firms LTD (GGFLTD), who were now the only company or government that existed. In reality, GGFLTD was neither a company, nor a government... it was a cross-planetary, all encompassing ruling elite, consisting entirely of Investment Bankers, with a small subsidiary branch supplying arms to both the BNPT and TMHs. Both the BNPT and TMHs had complicated and utterly powerless leadership who answered only to the GGFLTD. Each side routinely convinced their followers of the need for perpetual warfare on the other, due to the 'advisement' from the Global Firms. One of the first actions of this monolithic, ultra-powerful organization was to create a gigantic central computing device. They called it “The Economy”. It churned out graphs and charts and 'advisement reports' which dictated every action performed by mankind. Any semblance of these numbers having any bearing on the real world had long since been replaced with the simple phrase 'Growth.' The GGFLTD had adopted the motivational, pro-human slogan of 'As long as things are growing, then things are not un-growing, and that is good.' It seemed to resonate with the masses, keeping them building things and procreating. The GGFLTD had long since erased the idea that building things was for any other purpose than to keep the complicated graphs and charts “The Economy” pumped out from sharply dropping. It was strongly engrained in the minds of all human beings, that should the graphs and charts ever go down, all sorts of terrible things would happen, and growth would become ungrowth very quickly. Buildings were built primarily for the purpose of investing in, thus making the GGFLTD board members more money, so they could invest in the building of more things. The benefit for the masses was simple... jobs. So long as things had to be built, someone had to build them. And once they were built, they would also have to be kept clean. Growth=Jobs, and without growth, things would not be growing, and that was not good, so the general populace was constantly reminded.

  Under the new 'growth for the sake of growing' economic model, the population of Earth now towered at an astounding 8.5 trillion people. This controversial, newly arrived, closer planet offered some fantastic solutions for a ridiculously overpopulated globe. BNPT Scientists blasted Rocket ships off on a tri-secondly basis, delivering load after load of refuse to the surface of the new planet. This continued for a few HL's until it was realized they were sending all of their best rockets off into an ever growing heap of garbage. The problem was solved with the construction of a giant cannon, taking up the entire continent of Africa, aimed at the garbage planet.

  The Global Group of Firms LTD sociological model of exponential growth and perpetual warfare between the BNPT and TMHs had a very drastic side affect. It was sucking the earth dry of oil. The GGFLTD did not see this as a negative. The constant search for oi
l was only an opportunity for more jobs, and a solid reason to go to war, which was a great motivator to build things, especially after they'd been blown up. In order to meet the massive and unmeetable demand for oil, the GGFLTD “advised” (demanded with no chance of any possible alternative) the drilling of countless oil wells in countless oceans and under countless arctic ice shelves. At a rupturing rate of nearly 50% and with the mere mention of silly things like 'the environment' or 'standards' or 'the planet' being punishable by death, it was not long before every ocean was oozing with oil. Nobody cared... it was soon decreed, by way of newly circulated GGFLTD approved information documents, that the ocean had always been black and goopy, and that the new shimmering fish species living in the black goop had always been there. Anyone who thought otherwise soon found themselves homeless. Most people found themselves homeless actually. The infinite wisdom of the Investment Bankers found that the act of residing in homes merely made it harder to keep them clean, and generally aided in the deterioration of the value of the buildings. In order to keep the graphs and charts headed in an upward trajectory, it was vital that all buildings remain empty, save for cleaners and security persons keeping non-cleaners off the premises.

  CHAPTER 29

  Some Formerly Ambiguous Odds and Ends, of the Loose Variety, are Tied Up

  Many more HL’s passed by. More planets began to appear. Then entire suns. Then solar systems. They came from all over the place, seemingly surrounding the earth. Many of them were clearly inhabited. The people of Earth had two choices: to accept that they were wrong about nearly everything and acknowledge the ever changing realities surrounding them… or completely ignore the facts and further delude themselves about their own importance in the grand scheme of things by denouncing science, logic and observation in favour of even more self aggrandizing religion, ritual, silly clothing and wars over all of the above. Guess which one they chose?

  Me and Herb saw it all happen, together. We had no idea why all of this was happening, but we at least acknowledged that it was. Two of the new stars appeared on opposite sides of what humans called their sun. The two stars violently smashed into the sun, forming a colossal new super star, five times the size of the Earth’s old sun. The shock-waves from this collision blasted Mercury, Venus and the Earth into Mars, forming a hideously unshapely conglomeration of a planet. A planetglomerate.

  Humans reacted as they always did in times of chaos and uncertainty, they engaged in massive amounts of carnage and violence and sexual misconduct. STD’s were spread and cultivated rampantly. “The Economy” began to ungrow. Panic struck the board members. At the behest of the GGFLTD's Growth Restoration Division, scientists worked tirelessly to keep up with all the diseases, developing new and better ways to make sex safer and more sterile. They eventually settled on an ornamental and intimate genital contraption for both the male and the female. The male device was a tube that sucked ejaculate out of his penis, funneling it into a sealable and sterile tube, where it could be kept for over 2 hours. With a few more HL's of work, the ejaculate was able to be stored for over 40 hours. The sterile tube was then placed in a receptacle attached to the side of a suction cup that formed around the female genitals with a tube leading inside her, directly to the womb. Once sterilized and tested, the male ejaculate was pumped into the female and delivered right to her biological doorstep. Sex was forbidden by law, except for procreation, even the word sex was banned. It was only to be done in a strict, laboratory setting and was a completely joyless affair. Since the only purpose was to procreate, it was not called sex any more, it was called an “Attempt.”

  The shock-wave continued throughout the rest of the solar system as well. Jupiter was knocked off of its orbit, floating about various solar systems as it pleased. It had become a 'free planet.' The shock-wave sent Saturn smashing into Neptune, forming a mini star which pulled both of their various satellites, along with the asteroid field, into orbit. The many moons and asteroids were slung around the new mini-star in circles like a lasso, with each one eventually smashing into the planetglomerate (making what was already a hideously ugly thing into a true monstrosity.) During one of these collisions, Mars was actually dislodged from the planetglomerate, and began to slowly drift away. Seeing a chance for escape, my pal Herb rallied the approximately 1% of the population still capable of critical thinking and they hopped aboard the planet of Mars, thoroughly disgusted with the direction the rest of the species was taking. All of the smartest, most intelligent, freethinking human beings joined Herb's expedition with the intent of forming a veritable Utopia on Mars. Under Herb’s steady guidance, they would succeed in doing so. Herb cordially invited me to come along, but I refused, for what I was observing on the planetglomerate was something I felt somebody needed to see and record. I don’t believe in words like fate, purpose or higher power, but I began to see why those cruel, heartless bastards left me here all this time. I was to watch something spectacular unfold.

  Due to the sweltering heat from the newly formed stars surrounding them, the humans gradually shed their clothing, until they had no choice but to be naked. It simply wasn’t practical, or possible, to wear clothing. However, the humans couldn’t simply discard a way of thinking so engrained in their brains as shame of their naked bodies. So they simply shifted the same mentality they had once applied to clothing to nakedness. It became socially ridiculous to be seen wearing clothing of any kind. People were mocked and ridiculed for it, flocking out of the great mud camps into 'The Cleanliness.'

  Long ago, the actual human board members of the GGFLTD had ceased to exist. It is the natural progression of Investment Banking firms. They keep 'growing' to a point where no humans are required to keep “The Economy” running. At this point, all humans were desperate to get back to the good old days and make “The Economy” graphs and charts go up again. Feverishly, they put their heads down, built things, and kept them clean. Then they looked at them and said ‘hey, look at that, we built that, better keep it clean or else it will get dirty.’ Slowly but surely, “The Economy” started to spit out graphs that went up again. With all of the scientists and critical thinkers gone, the rest of the species quickly agreed everything was their fault... after all, now that they were gone, the graphs were going up again. Rejuvenated by this new found purpose, the creatures poured out over every inch of the surface of the planet building and cleaning spotless surfaces that looked like varnished marble, shiny glass windows and freshly bleached tile floors. They looked like this, because that’s precisely what they were. It all looked very impressive, and it gave everyone something to do and to look at. This process continued for many thousands of HL’s, until they had covered every square inch of the place with buildings and structures and surfaces… anything to keep their minds off of the insanity swirling around them in space. Anything to avoid facing the truth that they were not alone, and they were not important. Anything to keep “The Economy” from going down again. The task of building and expanding and keeping such a hideously large planetglomerate clean was enough to take anyone’s mind off of 59 suns swirling about you in a wonderful new star system. Nearly every species of plant and animal was obliterated. As was always the case, the only creatures that survived were ones able to adapt to their surroundings. Among the most impressive of these creatures was The Quigg, a perfectly, biologically-evolved cleaning specimen, who could shine and disinfect surfaces like nothing else. Soon enough, almost all the other life forms on the planet were simply bio-cleaning creatures. Since they had no need to do work any more, the dominant species on the planet got lazier and lazier with each passing HL. They also got sloppier and more brutish and less intelligent. They stopped learning about things, and passing on knowledge.

  With knowledge transference deteriorating, a curious thing happened to the belief systems and religions of humanity. As the ability to read and write lengthy texts faded away, all of the major religions became progressively more watered down and simplified, eventually culminating with one, si
mple, accepted religious philosophy to explain everything. The basic tenant of the new, global religion was this: “Whatever it is that made everything for us, thanks for that.”

  In their relentless construction and expansion efforts, the de-evolving humans found that there were all these silly trees and green things in the way, blocking perfectly good potential surfaces and/or structures. Naturally, they cleared all of the obnoxious greenery out of the way and dumped them into pits. They dumped their nuclear power plants, their nuclear waste, their gold and jewels in the pits too. Lastly they set up massive siphoning pipelines to drain the oily oceans and fill up the pits. They couldn’t remember the details, they just knew that these were all things of immense value and worth, and therefore good things would happen if they were all to be mixed up together. They spent a few human lifetimes doing just that, and thus, the great schmold pits were born. A few more HL’s after the creation of the great schmold pits and nobody on earth had the slightest idea that indeed they had created these pits. The sub-humans simply revered the supposed mystical powers of the glowing, greenish goop, and chocked up their origin to whoever it was that made everything for the human being. They didn’t know they had created schmold any more than they knew they’d created the clean planet full of meaningless surfaces and structures. Even though I witnessed it all, it is difficult to say when the exact transition was complete. But sometime around these last few events were surely the final days of human beings as you know them, and the beginning of The Greegs, as I know them. As a cherry on top of the evolutionary cake, human paparazzi grew one more set of pterodactyl wings, and the Flying Grimbat Messengers were born.